Monday, July 12, 2010

Vampires Suck, And So Do Seltzerberg

Well, it's been far more than a month since I started this blog, and I've written practically nothing in that time. So, here's a post about film.

I'm sure that by the time anyone reads this, not only will he/she have seen the trailer for Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg's latest "spoof" movie Vampires Suck, but the thing may have already come out. If not, you can find the accursed thing here.

Really, what is there to say about Seltzer and Friedberg, now notorious as "Seltzerberg" that hasn't already been said? Frankly, nothing. But I will try to contribute something: They don't make real movies.

Granted, they do have some screenwriting experience, most notably on Scary Movie (2000), on which they share credit with four other writers. You may remember their earliest solo "efforts", Date Movie in 2006 and Epic Movie in 2007. The afore mentioned fact appeared in the ads and trailer for those two. But how exactly those two ended up proved that these filmmakers haven't the faintest idea what they are doing.

Granted, I haven't seen all four of their solo efforts, mostly because I tend to know when a movie is going to end up bad, and mostly prefer to gravitate towards those that I'm most confident about. Now, I admit that I'm not always right, because who really is? I do come across movies that I was confident about that do end up craptastic. But even still...Well, here's the trailer for Seltzerberg's previously most recent film, 2008's Disaster Movie.

The awfulness should've been obvious. Even worse, I've actually seen this thing. Everything about it went wrong and there was nothing for it to hide.

The only other film by these two idiots I've sat through was Epic Movie, and it had all the same problems, only on a slightly less intense scale. Still, there was a pattern going on between these two movies. Both of them lacked anything resembling a proper story structure, even considering Epic's attempts to rip off The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005). Because, it would seem the closest thing about these "spoof" movies that the filmmakers could come to comprehending story was that there had to be a core film to base the main story on. Not that they understood anything about storytelling, but at least Not Another Teen Movie (2001) understood this. That film was mostly, roughly and loosely based on the same story flow as She's All That (1998).

Another advantage that Not Another Teen Movie had over any Seltzerberg title? It didn't meander off into topics and bits contrary to the very title. That very glaring element of these movies proves the point that anyone makes when talking about these two. Any competent filmmaker would make sure that everything that goes into the movie is relevant to the overall message or idea of the piece, something that Seltzerberg always forgets to solidfy.

I'm serious. Epic Movie had the issue of throwing in bits that parody Nacho Libre (2006), Brangelina, Snakes on a Plane (2006), "Lazy Sunday" (I know, I know), Borat (2006), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005), and other titles and themes that have nothing to do with epic movies. Not even the Scary Movie series they've left behind is this bad.

If you want the full gritty details, I would recommend you read this. It sums up the entirety of the film, and provides more insight than can fit into a single blog post. And the problem is even worse in Disaster Movie, and as I said, it's obvious in the trailer.

But do you know what really surprises me? Disaster Movie not only did horrible business when it came out, but it was done under a different production company and a different distributor. Little known British studio Grosvenor Park, which has actually come out with quality films, made it and Lionsgate distributed. Now with Vampires Suck, they've been welcomed back to Regency Enterprises working through Twentieth Century Fox, with apparently open arms.

They're back at the same studio that produced their first three titles, which also includes 2008's Meet the Spartans (which had a similar thing they're going with in their new piece). Not to mention My Super Ex-Girlfriend and Just My Luck...both released the same year as Date Movie. As well as those live-action Alvin and the Chipmunk movies....

On second thought, it doesn't surprise me at all. Much of the movies Regency made with Fox remind me that there are deep levels of awful that Seltzerberg movies share with other bad comedies, even if in a different way. It's similar to what Albert Walker said when he recapped Disaster Movie, and it makes me want to take his advice and lay off these two.

Still, I will reiterate what I said at the start. These things aren't real movies. And Vampires Suck will be more of the same.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Archie Sonic Promo

Below is a fan-made promo for the Archie Comics' "Sonic the Hedgehog", based upon the SEGA video games.

I would say that everything is self-explanitory, and I would recommend it with as much praise I would any great DC series.